A Daughter's Journey

Introduction:

When you lose someone close to you it changes you to your core, especially when it's a parent. You lose a part of you and no longer feel complete. I never realized how much of who I believed I am was wrapped up in my mother being a part of me. To say that the past 9 months has been hard is an understatement. There honestly are no words that can explain the feeling of grief, emptiness, and loss that one has when you lose your parent at a young age when you feel they still had so much to experience in life, and you know you had so much you still wanted to do with them. Watching a parent or family member battle through cancer and seeing every bit of their being taken from them is indescribable. The pat 9 months has been a journey for sure. A journey to finding myself. To finding who I am without my mother, someone I've truly depended on for so many things. The person I had gone to when I just didn't know the answers. It was an ongoing joke when I'd call her and say "Mom, I have a question". She'd always laugh and say "what's your question this time?" She was there for me for my first day of college, she was there fighting with me when I broke up from an abusive relationship, we were there for each other when we up and moved to another state to start a business together. She was there for me when I met my now husband, got pregnant, had our first son, bought our home, and got married. She was there for me through every stage of my life. But now she's gone. And for the past 5 months I've been trying to figure out how to move through my life without her. How to cope with wanting to call her and share everything with her but I can't. I've gone through days of not wanting to get out of bed, days were I didn't know how I'd keep going, days where I felt like I was going to fall into a million pieces. You see you think you know what grief feels like. You think because you've lost someone before that you'd be able to get through it, until you lose your mother. You see unless you've experienced it you don't know what it feels like. Losing your mother, especially as a daughter, is like nothing else. Your grief creeps up on you in moments when you least expect it, like standing in the grocery store check out line and you're using every part of your being to not completely fall apart in that moment. When you smell coffee that reminds you of her, or when you go to pick up your phone to call her and remember she's not going to be on the other end of the line. As a wife and mother it's hard to find time to grieve. You push yourself to keep going. You know you have to hold your shit together for your kids, for your family, for your job, so the moments you fall apart are the moments when you're alone. The moments when you're driving in the car, going for a run, cleaning the house when no one is home, standing in the shower, or when you're walking through the grocery store. You just crumble...

Over the past months I've tried to find things that help me feel like me. One of those things is writing. Writing helps me heal. Writing helps me work through emotions inside that I sometimes don't know how to make sense of. I also feel sharing my story can possibly help others. So I want to share my journey in hopes that it will help me heal over the next year, but also might help you if you're reading this and are trying to heal over the loss of a loved one.

Today I turn 39.  My last year in my 30's before I hit the big 4-0. I've committed to myself that I'm going to focus on healing and making some big changes this year for myself and my family. If anything losing my mother has opened my eyes to a lot. I've realized how true the saying "We aren't promised tomorrow" is. The past 9 months have been some of the worst months of my life, it's changed me. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and I've been searching for a way to understand it all. To understand why she was taken so soon and how I'm going to go through the rest of my life without her. I'm seeing so many others I know that have gone through this journey or are currently dealing with the loss of a loved one. I know it's friggen HARD. It SUCKS, and no one, I mean no one wants to feel alone in this. So I knew not only for myself but for those of you out there that are coping with this I wanted to do something to somehow ease the burden. I truly believe God is calling me to write and to share my journey in hopes that others don't feel so alone. 

  There's been numerous times I've sat here at my computer and not known what to write. I've started and stopped so many times not knowing how to put into words my emotions. My mind has just gone blank. Then a few weeks ago I was listening to The Rise podcast where they talked about joining a #last90days challenge and I decided to join and start focusing on me and start healing. Each morning I write down my dreams and my goals for my future. I read devotionals, and I  focus on personal development. I've already started feeling a change in myself. I hope that by following along I can help you heal. Help you know that you're not alone in this journey. It's not easy finding your way through the darkness, the sadness, and the hurt. It's not easy seeing your loved one slowly change from being the happy, healthy, and vibrant person you always knew, to feeling sick, weak, scared, and needing you to now take care of them. 

 So please join me on this journey of healing. To start this story we need to go back to the beginning...so please join me as we begin chapter 1: 

The Phone Call:

It was a cold winter day on March 8th, 2019 at 5:15 when my phone dinged with a text message from my mom "Can we have a family Facetime later with no kids around?". I knew in my gut in that moment that something was wrong. My sister Amy responded with saying she was busy but free later on. My sister-in-law Erin shared that she wasn’t going to be home until late because she was working. I knew that I needed to talk to her right away and couldn't wait. So, with an awful pit in my stomach, I dialed her number. My mom picked up her phone and said "Hi". I asked her "What is gong on? I have to go to soccer and can't wait. Mom is everything okay?".  I'll never forget that moment, standing in my front yard, when my mother told me "I have cancer". My heart sunk. I was in total disbelief. Everything got silent. It was as if time all of a sudden stood still. My mother...the person I've admired most in this world...the one I go to for everything...just told me that she's battling cancer. All I could get out of my mouth at the moment was "NO MOM!" Then the tears came. They came without warning. Streaming down my face. The words started spewing out of my mouth. “It’s going to be okay...we’ll get through this...I love you so much…” She responded with “I’m going to fight this. We’ll be okay.”. 

I had that I had to go and couldn’t stay on the phone with her but I had to bring my oldest son T.J. to his soccer game. I told her “Mom...I have to go...T has a game...I’ll call you soon.” “This is why I wanted to talk later. I don't want you driving right now” she replied. Even in moments when she was hurting, she was sick, and this she be about her, she was worried about me and the boys. "I don't want you upset when driving." she said. It was silent for a few minutes. I was holding back from completely losing it. I was holding back sobbing into the phone. I didn’t want to make her upset. I than said “ Mom, I'll be okay. I promise. I love you. We’ll get through this. “Yes we will” she replied. I hung up the phone. Wiped my face. Took a deep breath. And walked in the house.

“We have to go.” I yelled to the boys. "We don't want to be late." My husband Travis looked at me knowing something wasn't right. I could tell by the look on his face. His eyes looked worried. I looked him in the eyes and said "We'll talk about it later." He shook his head "Okay..." but he knew in that moment something was wrong. The boys and I walked down to the car and began to drive to the sports complex for the soccer game. I was in auto pilot. You know when you’re just driving, but you don’t even realize what you’re doing. You just end up where you need to be but don’t realize how you got there. Yeah that was me. By this time it was dark and a bit rainy. I was glad because my boys didn’t know I was crying. Or if they did they didn’t let me know that they knew. I discretely wiped tears from my eyes so that they wouldn’t know I was sad. I tried to breathe but not too loudly so they wouldn’t know I was crying. My head felt blank. Just empty. I couldn’t even fathom what was ahead for us as a family and for my mother. We arrived at the soccer complex and I dropped T.J. off at the door and he quickly ran in as I headed to park the car. I found a spot a few spaces away from the door, put the car in park, and I sat in the car for a minute. My youngest son Zachary unclasped his seat belt, popped his head up front and asked “Are you okay Mom?”

“Yes" I replied "I just yawned so my eyes are watery”. 

He accepted my answer and responded “Okay are we going to go in than?” 

“Yes sweetie”. I answered

I checked myself in my mirror and took a deep breath and headed inside. All I could think of is how I didn’t want to be here. How I wanted to drive to my parent’s house and give my mother a big hug. I wanted to hold her. To protect her. To tell her it’s going to be okay. But is it? Is she going to be okay or is this the beginning of me having to say goodbye. I just felt this deep sense of God telling me I was losing her. I walked down past the other team parents that day. I usually sat with them, but tonight I just want to be alone. I felt as if I was in a fog as I sat there and watched T.J. play his soccer game. It was as if I was watching my life go by me as if I was in a dream and I was watching from the outside. Zachary ran around and played with his friends. I sat through the soccer game holding back tears. Holding in all my fears and emotions. The hour came and went and it was time to head home. 

 We hopped back in the car, the boys faught about who was sitting where, and we headed back home. Auto pilot was in full force. I made it home and pulled in the driveway. The boys quickly hpped out and ran inside. I wanted to run to Travis and tell him about my Mom. To tell him that she is battling cancer. To tell him everything...but I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t because the boys would hear me and I didn’t yet want them to know. I didn’t want to fall to a million pieces and I knew that would happen if I started to let the words “Mom has cancer” start to leave my lips. So I kept it inside. I talked a bit with the boys and Travis about T.J.'s game, but don’t recall what he said. My head was in another place. My thoughts were with my mother. Wondering how she was feeling. My thoughts were with my boys and how was I going to tell them that their Nani was fighting cancer. WHEN was I going to tell them. The pain in my heart just grew deeper as I thought of everything that was ahead of me. Everything that was ahead of my family. 

We went through our normal evening routine the whole time me having a big secret. I know they knew something was going on but were respectful and just let me be. As I sat on the couch my phone started to ding, flooding with messages. It was my siblings, my mother, and my father texting one another in our group text. Now everyone knows. My Dad texted everyone “We’ll get through this”. My brother Mike texted “You’re strong Mom, you’ll get through this. We need you.” I texted my younger brother David “I love you, I’m here if you need anything.” 

After dinner I tucked the boys into bed. Zach wanted to read so we snuggled and read his newest book from the “Diary of a Whimpy Kid” series. He would ask me questions and I’d have to ask him to repeat himself because I often was off in my own world. I wondered to myself “does he know something is wrong?”. He finished up his story and I laid with him that night. I just wanted to hold him and never let go. With the lights off I laid there rubbing his back and snuggling him and the tears came. Without any warning they streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop them. I held in my deep breaths trying with all my might to not let my son know I was falling to pieces. Laying there, in my bed, with my youngest in my arms I fell asleep praying that my mother would battle this demon and stay with us. But for some reason I knew, deep inside, that was not the case. This was the beginning of saying goodbye.