A Daughter's Journey-Was It a Dream?

-Chapter 2-
 
Was It a Dream?

I woke to the sounds of my cat meowing in the hallway and hot breath on my face. It was Willow my dog. Every morning she wakes me up just before my alarm goes off. I rubbed my eyes, as they slowly opened, and rolled to my side as I reached over to my end table for my phone. I pressed the home button and squinted as the light hit my eyes. Through my blurred vision I saw it was 5 am. I laid my head back on my pillow with a sigh. It’s Saturday...I DO NOT want to get up right now. Willow continued to pant in my face. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Did Mom really tell me yesterday that she has cancer? Was it a dream? My head was slamming like a jackhammer was pounding against my skull. My eyes were tired and puffy from crying myself to sleep. It was real. All the feelings of worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, and anger came rushing back. I tossed the blankets off of me, rolled over out of bed, and grabbed my bathrobe off of my hope chest and stumbled down the hallway. 

I still felt as though I was in a fog as I headed downstairs to get my coffee. Willow walking steps in front of me along the way, tail wagging. She knew it was breakfast time. I walked over to my coffee pot and pushed brew. I then grabbed Willow’s food bowls, placed them on the counter, and knelt down to get her food. As I bent down my legs just gave out and I fell to the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks. My arms crossed over my bent knees, my forehead resting on my arms, I fell apart. Willow walked over and nuzzled me with her head whimpering. I looked up at her “What are we going to do girl? How are we going to get through this?” She looked at me whimpering and licked the tears from my face. She knew I was sad. She just stood there with me, tail wagging (as always), but I could see the sadness in her too. She knew something was wrong. 

How are we going to get through this I thought to myself. What is going to happen? So many thoughts ran through my mind. I want to run over to Mom’s right away and hold her. I want to get in my car and GO! I want to make it all go away but I can’t. I’ve never felt so helpless. But that is what cancer does to a family. In an instant it changes everything. All the dreams, hopes, and plans you had are put on hold because you don’t know what your future holds anymore. It’s all a question. What about the boys? Are they going to have Nani standing there clapping her hands for them and cheering them on at their sports games? Is she going to be there celebrating their graduation day with them? Is she going to see my sister Amy get married? All these plans were now questions and I hated it with every part of my being. Willow then nudged me again with her head, snapping me out of my daze. I heard the coffee pot percolating, and I was brought back into the moment. I stood up, scooped the dog food into Willow’s bowl, and I placed it on the floor on her food mat. I filled her water bowl and placed that on the floor next to her other dish. I then turned to the cupboard that holds my coffee mugs and grabbed my favorite owl mug and Travis’ favorite black mug and placed it next to the coffee pot for when he woke up. Walking over to the refrigerator I glanced up and our family pictures caught my eye. I stopped for a moment looking at all the smiling faces and memories. I thought to myself, this can’t be it. God wouldn’t do this to our family. Not yet. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed my soy creamer, walking back over to the counter, pouring my cup of coffee, and heading to the dining room. 

As I sat down at the dining room table, like I do every morning, I grabbed my journal and devotionals. This has been my morning routine for years, but it all seemed so trivial in this moment. Like seriously..there’s more important things to deal with. Nonetheless...I grabbed my marker and started putting pen to paper letting my emotions flow. Writing has always helped me work through my struggles. It’s my release, and getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper helped me lessen my anxiety. So there I sat, coffee in hand, and released. As I wrote my thoughts tears dripped onto my paper like little puddles. Is this how it's going to be? Am I going to cry uncontrollably all the time now?

Before I knew it, it was 6:15 a.m. and I heard the pitter-patter of little feat upstairs. The steps quickly turned into heavy thuds running down the stairs. I knew in that moment it was my Zachary. A mother has this keen way of telling by the sound of her child’s footsteps which child is coming. My mother could always tell it was me because of the cracking of my bones. She knew it was my brother Mike from the shuffling of his feet, my sister Amy often stumbled, and my brother David had heavy steps. She'd joke about it often. Zachary always runs down the stairs like an elephant. TJ is very quiet and light footed. I can even tell when it’s my husband...but I’ll leave that one to the imagination. 

Before I knew it Zach was standing there in front of me, rubbing his little eyes, stretching, as he popped his little belly out, and shuffled over to sit on my lap. This was our morning routine. I loved that at 9 he still enjoyed our morning snuggle session. “Morning Mom” he said as he nuzzled his little head under my chin. “Morning sweetie” I whispered back as I kissed his head and squeezed him close. He had no idea how much I needed this in that moment. “Are you hungry?” I asked. “MmmHmmm” he replied. He hopped up from my lap, bounced into the kitchen, and I heard him hop up onto the counter, as he does every morning. As I got up from the table, I grabbed my coffee cup, which was now cold to the touch, and walked into the kitchen. “What would you like?” I asked. “Is Dad going to make pancakes?” he asked as he looked to see if there was a box in the cabinet. “I’m not sure. I don’t think we have any though. Maybe some eggs, and toast? I think we might have some sausage...Can you get down off of the counter now please?” He hopped down with a thud. As I was checking the freezer I heard Travis walk into the kitchen. “Do you want me to make some breakfast?” he asked. “That’s what Zachary and I were just doing. Here’s the sausage.” I said. I then passed him the eggs as he was grabbing the bread from the cabinet. This is our weekend ritual. Family breakfasts. The boys always look forward to it and Travis enjoys cooking it for them. Zach headed into the other room, and I heard him turn on the television. Travis looked at me and as I looked at him I started to cry. He pulled me in for a hug and said “What’s going on?” I pulled back just enough to look up at him and said “My Mom has cancer. She called me last night. We don’t know much yet, but she has a doctor appointment coming up in a few weeks. She’s going to let me know more. I’m going to try to call her today, or maybe go and see her.” He looked at me and I could see in his expression he just didn’t know what to say. “Honey I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay.” I know he was struggling for words, but we don’t know that she’s going to be okay. “I don’t want to say anything to the boys until we know more, so please don’t say anything.” Just than I heard T.J. moving from his bedroom upstairs. “I’ll be right back.” I said as I turned and quickly headed to the bathroom to wipe my face from any signs of crying. I just couldn’t let the boys know. I don’t yet have any answers to the questions I know they’ll have. 

We went about our morning as usual. The boys watched T.V. until breakfast was done. We sat at the table and had our usual weekend talks about soccer, sports, what we were going to do for the day, and so on. Zach’s plans were he wanted to play video games, T.J. wanted to go fishing or hang with friends, and I had my usual errands I had to run. We finished up breakfast and the boys ran off to do their usual in their rooms and Travis and I headed in the kitchen. As he helped me clean up I stood at the sink and washed the dishes and he packed away any leftovers. He then said “Hey, why don’t I take them fishing and you can head to your Mom and Dad’s to see your Mom. You can just grocery shop over there. Then you can have a chance to see her and talk with her.” I just started to cry. Without him realizing he gave me in that moment just what I needed. Time to go see her, hug her, and talk with my dad without the boys. 

After we cleaned up we made up a grocery list and packed some snacks for the boys to take ice fishing. I showered and changed and got ready to go. As I headed out the door anxiety filled me. I could feel my heart racing and a pit in my stomach. Why was I so worried to see my Mom? I got in the car, pulled out of the driveway and headed to her house. I don’t want to make her feel bad. I don’t want to make her feel helpless. But I want her to know that I’m here for her for anything. I want her to know that we're going to get through this somehow. I want to be strong for her.